Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Clown

After the war I started to love clowns. I went to the circus whenever it was in town. I went to all of them -barnum and bailey, universoul, cirque de sole, even ones I can't remember.Any chance I could find at happiness I took it. I soon became consumed with the circus and with clowns, it was my only source of joy.
Some day in early November I went to see and act. It was amazing. I happened to look in to the eyes of one of the clowns and I felt -amazing! I left the circus with a fleet of joy that was unimaginable to be before. I'd fell in love.I went to see the act everyday that it showed. His stage name was 'the whimsical wiseguy'. I laughed everyday I would see him. He was so funny. His entire act was silent, but he didn't need to say a word. I understood every joke.
Sometimes I would laugh long after everyone else. Most times I'd sit in the back row but on the last night of the show I was right up their in front with him. That's when it happened our eyes meet and we saw deep in to each other's heart. I saw his sorrow, his pain, his joy -i saw him without makeup and he saw me in the same way.I could have sworn that I mouthed the word 'I love you' but I could never be sure. All I know is that he gave me a smile that said 'I love you too'. His act was only 20 minutes or so though for me it felt like a lifetime. It happened in the middle of the show.
I wish I could have stayed there forever. When he left the stage... He took a piece of me with him -and he knows it! He has to know that we belong together, I'm the only one who understands him and he's the only one that makes me happy.I wonder if I'd love him once he takes off the makeup and if he would love me if I stopped laughing. Once the act was over I got up, I didn't stay for the rest of the show.
He was the show, he was everything.When I went to war, I felt so disgusting and degraded everyday. I went to war for my country -my family, but for me everyday was a tragedy. The smells, the bodies, the fear I could never look at anyone the same again. My heart was wounded in that battle, my confidence, my empathy all taken away from me. But he made me feel human again. I haven't been to the circus since. I haven't laughed since that day.
I go about my life, looking in to the eyes of strangers wondering is that him -is that him. For a few fleeting moments I I saw him without his makeup and he saw me without mine. I try to recreate the scene in my mind, and I see him once again smiling back at me.

No comments: