I've always been people weary. Which is strange to say because obviously I am a person. But its not necessarily people in general. Its particularly people in groups. Anytime I'm forced to be with a group of people I get extremely nervous, Self conscious and out of place. I'm one of those people who'll be in a group of people talking and I'll be taking terms slipping glances at everyone. If I'm lucky I'll get a statement in but usually I keep my mouth shut observing and drifting rather than participating.
I still alone in different places; Starbucks, the lunch room, my school cafeteria I'm in right now. Alone sitting by myself reading, writing and every once in a while stealing a glance to observe these different groups of people -talking, laughing, telling jokes. I think to myself, Why can't I do what seems for them such a simple task? I don't know, none of us where built the same. Though I've realised over the years that I do have an actually dislike for groups. I dislike the idea of belonging, though I also idealize it. I put it at such as distance that I make it impossible to reach when in reality its not, nor may it have ever been what I want.
I don't know why I became such an individualist. Either I was always like this or I developed this way a a coping mechanism to being left alone as a kid, or being left out of the games, or the conversations.
Even when I look back at myself as a kid I see this dualism of being rejected and of rejecting others. Maybe they were simultaneous and neither was contingent on the other. Its one of those things I love to psychoanalyze though I am unable to establish its importance on change my personality, if in fact that is what I want to do...