Friday, October 7, 2011

The tides are turning

I've pretty much always looked fondly on the idea of marriage. Two people, in love sharing their lives together. What could be better then that? Though I've had some moments where I thought marriage was a death sentence -two people sharing their lives together, seeing each other day in and day out, criticizing, arguing... now that I want to get married myself I think both my admiration of marriage and fear of it are coming in to play.
I know I want to get married for the baraka, the physical closeness, the new experiences, etc. But the idea of getting so close to someone emotionally; frightens me. I want so badly to have that connection but its hard for me to say 'I like you' or to say 'when will I see you again?' even though I want to. My one other sincere experience with marriage talks came maybe 3 or 4 year ago. I was "in love" with a guy I'd "known" since my young teenage years. To me he was perfect. He was everything I could have wanted in a future spouse, so I thought, and I told him that -over facebook. Very bad idea.
My mom later told me that a man should like you more then you like him, and I now see the wisdom in that. But maybe I'm letting that hold me back to much. Or maybe I'm just to worried. I still think me and the new guy had a good time talking to each other and I learned new things about him. He said he likes me and he said I looked beautiful today, Alhumduillah, that made me feel really good. But I was reluctant to say 'I like you too' or 'That hat looks pretty good on you'. I guess there's a part of me that's afraid of things not going well and there's a part of me that feels the opposite. It's frustrating because I know that this is a blessing from Allah that someone has taken interest in me especially after my first experience went so poorly. But still I wonder, Is he gonna call me? Will he get bored of me? When will I know if its right? Insha Allah I'll put my trust is God  and make dua for the best.

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