Isolation

Accorded to existentialist theory and bridge theorist Erich Fromm, we all have to deal with the cold hard fact that we are alone, isolated. In a great big world of incredible forces we are essentially alone. It may come as a surprise but I wholeheartedly agree with this idea. In the greater reality their are indeed blessed angels and demonic jinn's who have accompanied us throughout life. And, of course, their is all mighty Allah. But that does not change the fact that we are alone. Alone in our experience of reality. God is with us in every moment of our lives he knows how we experience, what we experience, when we experience, who we are and why we are what we are. But our experience is not that of God's. We actually don't always knows why something is happening and we experience every reality in our own uniquely distorted way. In the rare moments when we feel like someone truly gets us we want to leap for joy -why? Because every moment of our experience is lived in isolation we are amazed when someone can seep in to that unknown unique territory and see the world through own eyes. But these moments are fleeting, rare and very often superficial. Nothing seems to point more to that isolated feeling then the one who constantly says "You know what I mean". The honest answer is, more often then not, "No".

The Genetics Myth - Clip from Zeitgeist 3: Moving Forward

"The genetic argument allows us the luxury of ignoring past and present historical factors"

Journey Into Self - Carl Rogers - end

Journey Into Self - Carl Rogers

I think and I feel

I don’t remember what point a colleague of mine was making when he said something to the effect that we should “put aside our emotions and deal with the facts” to which my teacher retorted, “I believe emotions inform”. This may be the most brilliant statement she has said thus far. The statement itself is really a summary of many of the things she’s said in class. I love this class and fortunately it has given me an opportunity to broaden my view of feminism and actually find myself nodding in agreement in many instances. The idea that “logic” and “emotion” can coexist on equal terms is what I hope we as women can begin to strive for in feminism and in life.

The struggle of old school feminism was to basically say, “I want what they have”. A striving for equality and power which we have been given in many ways –more women are working and receiving higher levels of education, but what I think we did not realize is that competing with our male counterparts and succeeding on their level may have brought us superficial equality and power but it has not brought us respect.

Firstly it caused a large segment of women to abandon characteristically feminine roles and take on traditionally masculine roles, essentially saying to men “You know what you’re right, you are better them me”. In that way we gave men the permission to further degrade our tradition roles in hopes of gaining power and equality. But in our entering the work place we found ourselves again subordinated to men whether through being given menial jobs, lower pay or never breaking the glass ceiling. Worse then this most women were not relieved of their traditional roles at home, if they still chose to have a family, men still do little house work and women are still the primary care givers. So we found ourselves essentially overburdened and still searching for power and equality in a man’s world.

We have yet to deal with the underlining issue that women continuously face whether in a male dominated work world on in the feminine domestic sphere. The essential issue is the very core of male- female relations; men simply don’t value women or characteristically feminine roles, ideas, behaviors, attitudes, etc. Men in any field will never respect women if men simply don’t respect women in a larger more general sense. And women only further push the idea of inferiority when we dress up in men’s suits and sit in meeting were we silence any thought that is remotely feminine. I am being purposefully stereotypical in order to deal with the bigger picture; in general women are more talkative, nurturing and emotional then men. Men on the other hand are more logical, physically stronger and one- task oriented (men are usually poor at multitasking). But what makes being logical inherently better then being emotional? I would argue, absolutely nothing. As my teacher beautifully said, “emotion informs”.

This reminds me of the famous story of the Messenger of God, peace upon him, after giving his army a command to shave their heads (I’m cutting out most of the story to make a particular related point) they all disobeyed. Not knowing what to do he went to his tent and told his wife , Umm Salama, she then told him, peace upon him, to shave his on head. He listened to her and the companions followed suit. Logically the companions should have jumped to listen to any command of the Prophet, peace upon him, but emotionally these were trying times. Umm Salama informed her husband through emotion not logic. When the companions felt the command over simply hearing if they were moved to action.

When women are respected simply for being women and for contributing in a unique way in society we will be respected in all parts of society. But until we pride ourselves in our femininity we can never look forward to a society where we are equally valued as our male counterparts.*

*Note: Obviously some women are not stereotypical feminine nor are some men stereotypically masculine. Which argues the larger part that people should be accepted for their contributions as individual human beings that have something unique and purposeful to offer to the world. I am of course not including the sin of women making a point to act like men (i.e. imitating a masculine voice) or men acting like women (i.e. speaking in a feminine voice) this is an entirely different issue. I would rather point to someone like Ayesha, may Allah be pleased with her, who never bore children, lead and army, and was a great woman of knowledge or men like Imam An Nawawi, may Allah give him mercy, who lived as an ascetic, never married and also dedicated his life to knowledge.

My Lord and Savior

Besides being a psychologist their were two major careers that I also considered. One was philosophy the other was music. Both of which I learned over time is haram. In fact I only learned philosophy was haram to learn and teach (without the purpose of learning in order to refute it) a few days ago in a lesson with my teacher. And music I already knew was haram but I'd heard different opinions on the matters and most Muslims I know listen to music. Both of these career paths I now realize were selfish, being a philosopher would just make me feel like I had a big brain and was better then everyone else, while being a musician would make me completely self involved. Alhumduillah I'm glad God took me away from both of those fields. Psychology, especially with a sound islamic background, is in the service of others. The one who serves the Muslims will be helped by Allah, Insha Allah, and success comes from Allah alone.

Karen Horney: Coping Strategies

Positive/ Healthy:

Moving With

These are the strategies in which psychologically healthy people develop relationships. It involves compromise. In order to move with, there must be communication, agreement, disagreement, compromise, and decisions.

Karen Horney describes the other strategies as a neurotic. This means that they are unhealthy strategies people utilize in order to protect themselves.

Negative/ Unhealthy:

Moving Toward

The individual moves towards those perceived as a threat to avoid retribution and getting hurt. The argument is, “If I give in, I won’t get hurt.” This means that: if I give everyone I see as a potential threat whatever they want, I won’t be injured (physically or emotionally).

Moving Against

The individual threatens those perceived as a threat to avoid getting hurt.

Moving Away

The individual distances themselves from anyone perceived as a threat to avoid getting hurt. The argument is, “If I do not let anyone close to me, I won’t get hurt.” A neurotic, according to Horney desires to be distant because of being abused. If they can be the extreme introvert, no one will ever develop a relationship with them. If there is no one around, nobody can hurt them. These Moving Away people fight personality, so they often come across as cold or shallow. This is their strategy. They emotionally remove themselves from society.

Following: Trust v. Mistrust

I am under the strong belief that people are more trustworthy then not. Or at least that people behave in trustworthy ways more often then they do not. I don't think this world could survive if this weren't true. Granted a pessimistic would point out the murders and child kidnappings I would still argue that even the fact that this is noteworthy behavior stands to show that most of us do not wish to commit such atrocities nor ever would.
I sit before a man, or rather behind a gentleman in a coffee shop. He is now enjoying his coffee, reading I suppose from his his heads downward position. A few moments a go this very man walked in to the coffee shop placed his stuff down beside a table and in a chair; a large case of something that I suppose has to do with art or fashion by his appearance and a travel bag. After plopping his stuff down he walks to the line, awaiting the cashier and stands behind the last in line. As I stare in to space I catch him glimpsing over at his stuff, and he does the same again when he gets on another line to wait for his food.
I was mistaken the particularly well dressed fellow is using his cell phone, reading an email I suppose though it will probably remain conjecture. I don't see myself as enough of a creep to look that close. Anyhow, so once the chap gets his food or coffee or both he simply sits down.
So what was the old display of slight worry and yet the outward disregard for the welfare of one's stuff. Is it possible that he both trusts me and the fellows cafe'ers not to steal his stuff and at the very same time does worry that someone could steal his stuff....
Well, the truth is though some dummies do like to rat their way around life most of us don't. So I suppose an individual can trust the public in general but can't trust individuals. Its possible that you could trust the fact that people won't steal your stuff if you put it don't for a moment and the very same time not trust that this guy with the suit or that girl in black (me ;) may very well steal your stuff. So you can put your stuff down without worrying that everyone in a given place will conspire against you to steal your messenger bag (which may very well make you seem crazy) but to believe that one little rat will try to get by with a little stealth and steal the pen you left hanging out your bag or try their luck and run out with all your stuff. So a little concern is necessary but know that most people are decent people most of the time "_".

Anxiety Part I

I remember my first anxiety attack. I was about 12 and I was by a sister's friends house. They were talking about lynching, there was some sort of exhibit on lynching or something of the sort. I remember we were on or way out the door.
My family has an interesting habit of starting up conversations when they or the other party is leaving. This was one of those moments. I was by the door waiting and I don't remember if I started sweating which I usually do before I have an attack, but I'm pretty sure that I lost my vision -which also is characteristics of my final state before blanking out and fainting.
The last thing I remember before passing out on the ground is seeing a scooter. I remember it so clearly as if it was my eyes final attempt to hold on to sight. For a few seconds I completely lost my consciousness and fell down to the ground. Recalling it now almost brings tears to my eyes. But being who I am I can pretty easily separate myself from what happened to me. I see her (me) falling but I try to see it from the outside.
I was on the floor sightly aware of what happened, not knowing what to think or save. I remember my sister taking me outside on to the steps as her friend got me so water. I remember her mother thinking I trip over the scooter. Its funny because the way you fall when you trip and when you faint is completely difference. The somatic response to losing your consciousness is a complete failure of the mind to control itself and its followers (body parts), their no using your hands to break your fall -you completely lose control. I guess that must be what it feels like to die but I digress.
Every time I have fainted with the exception of one have to do with something negative being discussed. The one exception was at my sisters graduation. We were in a crowd of being waiting to get in and be seated. This time I believe I was able to catch myself before I fell though I'm not sure. I do remember knowing that it was about to happen and being able to tell my mother my vision was blurring or something of that nature. The next thing I remember is that I had to be brought in to someones' office and I was freaking out.
After that long day me and another sibling of mine were back in Brooklyn walking home I suppose from the car. I remember that I laughed about something having to do with my attack. I recall her saying 'your laughing like its funny' I remember shutting up and not saying much else about it.I know now that she could never understand what it feels like to be in such a weak position. Laugh, cry, scream it wouldn't have mattered because nothing could have expressing adequately the way it feels to fall.
I' like to think that over the years I've been able to control my anxiety but it really isn't true. Its only by the mercy of Allah that I have not fainted in years and that my response to anxiety is less ostensible then before.
The last one I had were I knew it was coming on was last year. I was at a conference about slavery and the many issues plaguing blacks.At the end we all held hands and said some kind of pray. Needless to say it lasted to long. It could have the conversation, the holding of hands, the pray, the length of time, etc.that caused me great trouble. But at some point in the pray I began to feel weak, sweaty, my vision began to blur. At this point when my vision blurred I kept telling myself (something like) 'not not here,. I remember trying so hard to open and close my eyes to keep my vision from failing me. Somehow by the end I was still standing, I took a breather in one of the chairs and then I went home.
I thought about getting some counseling but my mother told me it wasn't necessary and my father told me to say some pray which our beloved (peace be upon him) told us to say in time of anxiety. I took their advice and moved on. Sometimes I wonder if my parents were inefficient in not taking me to a doctor to figure out the cause of my anxiety and prescribe some kind of cure, why didn't they take my condition more seriously?
I'm not sure. But who's to say that talk therapy and drugs would cure me faster then the prophets pray and kind words. Whose to say I'm meant to be cured at all.
I saw the movie Control about a band called Joy Division. The lead singer acquired epilepsy early in his twenties. Every time he had had and attack I knew how he must felt. My attacks (full attacks of blurred vision, sweat and then ultimately falling) probably happened less then five time and watching someone experience epilepsy made me realize that I was rather lucky to fall and quickly regain my consciousness rather than shaking uncontrollable on the ground.
Alhumduillah its when you look at people in a worse condition than you that you realize how fortunate you are. I don't know if I'll ever have an attack again, I don't know how often it will happen but I realize an important lesson; its really only an illusion -I can't lose control because Allah is the only one who really has it, Ameen.

Client v. Patient v. Behaviorism

When Dora came to Freud for treatment, though she was made to go by her father, she went as a patient. She went as anyone would go to a General Praticioner looking for a cure, looking to be fixed. It leads me to wonder in our modern day society or maybe just in general, What are people searching for when they come to a psychologist? Are they searching to be cured? Are they searching for a deep analyst of their life? Do they want someone to solve the puzzle for them and simply show them how?, Or do they want someone to sit with them and help them put the puzzle together? Or do they simply want someone to talk them through the puzzle?
When you have children around you usually have one method you stick to but from time to time you try out different methods to see whats best. I remember having to help my niece and nephew -with everything, but for example brushing their teeth. Sometimes I might say 'OK go brush your teeth' and I'll watch them and whether they do it wrong or right if they believe themselves to be finish I'll say 'OK, your done? (affirmative)... Good job! (or sometimes an indifferent 'OK' contingent on my mood). Others times I might say 'OK lets brush your teeth' and I'll go in the bathroom with them see them brush their teeth and say 'no, no, no' and then literally take over and begin brushing their teeth for them (at which they where more so annoyed as they got older). And again another method, 'OK go brush your teeth (they start brushing)... Is that how we brush our teeth? (yes or no) 'We brush like this, right?' (usually a yes) where I might then demonstrate with my finger, toothbrush, or simply explain.
Which is the best method? Well to be honest in the example of the children -All three, because you have to first do for them, and then teach them, and then at some point let go and let them do what they believe o be right, even though they or you will sometimes retrogress.
But when it comes to a patient it get a little more complicated. In client- centered (Rogerian) theory you are more so trying to get the client to solve their own problems with you are a guide, caring friend, humble empathetic listener etc. So if a patient says 'I'm having trouble concentrating in school' you might say 'So, your having trouble concentrating in school' 'Yes, I feel like can't focus' and you might say 'So your having trouble in school and you feel like you can't focus' 'Yes, my parents keep bothering me about doing better in school, but I can't focus I feel like I have some kind of disorder' and you might respond 'So your having trouble concentrating in school and you feel like you cant focus. And then your parents are hounding you?, yes -and you feel like maybe they don't understand? They don't realize that your trying but you simply can't seem to focus, and you fear you might have a disorder' 'Yeah' at this you'd probably nod and wait for the patient to continue talking. A big part, from my understanding, of Client -Centered therapy is to get the patient to hear themselves and trying and really listen to how they feel and hopefully come to a deeper understanding of their issues and hopefully cure themselves.
Lets take the same patient from Rogers 1970's Client centered chair on to Freud 1920's couch. Let's see how he would handle the same patient 'I'm having trouble concentrating in school.......(Freud would probably let the patient go on for a while until he had some sort of light bulb moment) I feel like I can't focus.....My parents keep bothering me about doing well in school, but I can't focus I feel like I have some kind of disorder...... at this Freud might say (big might, but something of this nature) 'Do think its possible that you might not be focusing in school because you want to fail, because you want to take revenge on your parents. You have a deep wish to hurt them for some pass discretion in your youth and you see failing in school as the perfect opportunity. The embarrassment, and the shame they would feel would avenge all the wrong they've done to you?' At this the client would most likely deny, but that wouldn't mean Freud was wrong because denial in fact is a very important part of the process psychoanalysis. 'What is it that your parents have done to deserve your anger... tell me your earliest memory of childhood' At this the patient may indeed discover, probably after a few sessions, some deep dark secret that buries the hate he feels for his parents. Once he relieves it from his unconscious and in to his memory he can realize the true source of his school failure and from this, unless there were further sources of his behavior he could indeed be "cured".
Now of course if this was a behaviorist psychologist B.F Skinner we may not talk about feelings or childhood at all. We may simply talk about how we can change your behavior to its desired outcome. Again moving the patient, lets have a talk with Skinner 'I can't concentrate in school', unlike the other two example this conversation may go in a completely different direction, because Skinner may not let the patient further explain the motive/s or feeling/s surrounding this issue (or it simply may not matter) before he begins to suggest different behaviors to accomplish the desired outcome of concentration. Skinner might say 'Why don't I give you a practice test on general college math, now while your taking the test I want you to raise your hand at the exact moment that you lose focus and then down when you regain focus' So maybe in the first observation the patient loses focus every 5 minutes, then every 10 minutes, then every half hour, until maybe the desired time of a hour or hour an a half of complete concentration on a given subject. Maybe after simply associating one's lack of focus to the tiring behavior of raising one's hand then lack of focus would become associated with another undesirable behavior and the patient might then be able to give up the habit.
Of course there is a lot I still need to learn about each method and other methods, but its not only a matter of usefulness -because I assume all methods work. It really becomes a question of 'What does this person want from me as a Psychologist?'